Funny Golfing One Liners

I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right.
- Ben Crenshaw

 Golf is like a love affair.  If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.
- Arthur Daley

Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.- Tiger Woods

Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.- Jack Benny

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.- Billy Graham

 His driving is unbelievable.  I don't go that far on my holidays.- Ian Baker-Finch, on John Daly

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.- Ben Hogan

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.- Will Rogers

It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.- Mark Twain

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.- Jimmy DeMaret

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.- Phyllis Diller

What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive.- Arnold Palmer

I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.- Harry Toscano

The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off.  I shot the happiest 83 of my life.- Chi Chi Rodriguez

I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.- Bob Hope

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.  Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.- John Updike

Columbus went around the world in 1492.  That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.- Lee Trevino

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.- Jim Bishop

It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf.  The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot.- Nubar Gulbenkian

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour.  Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.- Chi Chi Rodriguez (talking about his Puerto Rican accent)

Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.- Jack Nicklaus (explaining why he tees his ball high)

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.- Paul Harvey

The average golfer doesn't play golf.  He attacks it.- Jack Burke

Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game.- Burt Shotten

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.- Lee Trevino

Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players lie well.- Art Rosenbaum

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes:  taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
- P.J. O'Rourke

Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears.- Bobby Jones

You are meant to play the ball as it lies, a fact that may help to touch on your own objective approach to life.
- Grantland Rice

Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result.- Tommy Armour

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good.- George Archer

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.- Sam Snead